A Haunting Mother Returns From the Dead

Who isn’t haunted from time to time by the internal voice of a parent? What can we do about it? Dream Drama, whether we remember it or not, reinforces waking drama. The problem is that regardless of how much work we do during our waking hours we experience our dreams in a delusional, regressive state. This is because we think we are awake when we are dreaming, we think events are objective when they are subjective and self-created, and that we cannot change them when we can.

This is a low scoring self-aspect. What are we to do with her? If we continue to ignore her then she will continue to “haunt” and “curse.” We can extend respect while setting boundaries. We can define terms for an ongoing relationship that is mutually acceptable. This can involve negotiation with a low-scoring self-aspect, as it does in this case.

In the silly picture above, who is haunting who? Is “Mom” the one in the grave? If that is the case, then that makes us the persecuting vampire! If “Mom” is the one showing her fangs, then we are the ones that are dead to the truth of a healthy relationship with our parents. We are in the mini-death of sleep, dreaming of a reality that need not exist.

What are three fundamental life issues that you are dealing with now in your life?

1. I am buying a flat for the first time in my life. The theme is to create a precious place for myself.

2. Love! Holding my light in my relationship with my partner.

3. Trust in myself.

Tell me a dream you remember. It can be an old one, a repetitive dream, a nightmare, or one that you’re sure you understand.

I received a letter from the authorities. They wrote me that I have to go to the municipal offices to justify myself and pay a penalty. What I did wrong was that I didn’t bury my mother appropriately. The authorities said that my mother must come to life again and she would live forever because I didn’t bury her in the amount of time you must bury her. However, if I could give a good explanation why I didn’t, then perhaps it could be changed (meaning she wouldn’t have to return).

Why do you think that you had this dream?

When I awoke I went into my bathroom and wondered why I didn’t bury her. It took me a long time to realize that this was a dream! I thought, No! Not again! That she comes and she stays! This was a horror in both directions, not only for me. The last years with my mother were really a burden. She had Alzheimer’s for seven years and awake coma for four more years. Before that she was a difficult person. It was a long, unsatisfying farewell. It was unfinished. I was very responsible for her all those years. This burden was in this dream. At the time I had this dream, half a year ago, I was in a phase of my life to really free myself but I still felt that burden. She died two and a half years ago.

If it were playing at a theater, what name would be on the marquee?

The Curse!

These are the characters in the dream…

My mother, me, the authorities, government offices, the letter.

If one character had something especially important to tell you, what would it be?

My mother, Ida.

Now remember how as a child you liked to pretend you were a teacher or a doctor? It’s easy and fun for you to imagine that you are this or that character in your dream and answer some questions I ask, saying the first thing that comes to your mind. If you wait too long to answer, that’s not the character answering – that’s YOU trying to figure out the right thing to say!

Ida, would you please tell me about yourself and what you are doing?

I prepare for my coming back. I don’t care about coming back. I just do it.

What do you like most about yourself? What are your strengths?

A funny question! My importance. My strictness and stubbornness. I’m creative, decisive, everybody loves me; I’m unconventional. I don’t follow any rules. I am strong, very strong.

What do you dislike most about yourself? Do you have weaknesses? What are they?

My anxiety, my being dependent, my being the second one (I’m a twin.) No weaknesses that I would tell YOU! You’re a man. I don’t trust men!

Ida, you are in this person’s life experience, correct? They created you, right? Ida, what aspect of this person do you represent or most closely personify?

I don’t know!

Ida, if you could be anywhere you wanted to be and take any form you desired, would you change? If so, how?

It doesn’t matter. I don’t have any desire to change.

(Continue, answering as the transformed object, if it chose to change.)

(Character), how would you score yourself 0-10, in confidence, compassion, wisdom, acceptance, peace of mind, and witnessing? Why?

Confidence: 5

Compassion: 3

Wisdom: 6

Acceptance: 2 Toward others. 8 toward myself.

Inner Peace: 5

Witnessing: 4

Ida, if you scored tens in all six of these qualities, would you be different? If so, how?

I don’t like proposals. I don’t know what it is to be happy. (“I fall out of this role – my mother was psychotic from time to time. It’s difficult for me to answer in a crazy way…”)

How would Carmen’s life be different if she naturally scored high in all six of these qualities all the time?

I don’t know so much about her. No idea!

If you could live Carmen’s life for her, how would you live it differently?

I would live it the way she is living it. I would love to live her life.

Your daughter is frightened by the idea of you coming back. How do you feel about her being frightened?

I feel a feeling. I feel fear. That feels familiar to me.

If you could live this person’s waking life for her today, would you handle her three life issues differently? If so, how?

1. The flat is too usual. I would have it be a bit more unusual.

2. I would stay with the women! Throw the boyfriend out!

3. I absolutely trust myself!

What three life issues would you focus on if you were in charge of her life?

1. Being more famous

2. Being more acknowledged.

3. Being the best

In what life situations would it be most beneficial for this person to imagine that they are you and act as you would?

She would not be so sensitive and vulnerable if she were me. She should become me when she feels that way.

Ida, do you do drama? If not, why not?

Yes. Same as when I was alive!

Why do you think that you are in Carmen’s life?

She can’t live without me!

How is Carmen most likely to ignore what you are saying to them?

I don’t care if she heard me or not. She won’t forget about me!

I think Carmen had this dream because

(Tears) It makes me sad. She was close to forgetting me. She has a bad conscience about letting go of me. I didn’t treat her so well. It touches me that she won’t forget me even though I didn’t treat her so well. I feel that I deserve to be forgotten.

I think this dream event happened or (some character) was in the dream because…

She’s always so tidy. She tries to make everything right. She wants me to have my peace. She believes that she did something wrong so that I can’t sleep and have my peace. It’s nice that she cares for me. I don’t think that she did something wrong that keeps me from having my peace.

Why not?

If I say that then I let her go…then I’m all alone.

If you could change your experience so you weren’t alone, what would be different?

I would let her go. I don’t have to hold her so tight. I would have lots of people around and all being there for be, adoring me!

Is it true that you are a part of Carmen?

Probably!

What have you heard yourself say?

Not being alone is the most important thing for Ida, no matter who is there. What touched me most was that she is desiring so much to live my life. That hit me in a way. That she didn’t have any image of being happy. Behind all the strength and being special I felt all this fear and real craziness. Always losing contact and not being able to understand what you say. What hurt was Mom not really being interested in me, only in the outside of my life.

Addressed to the others present: What else did you hear Carmen say to herself?

That Ida felt hypersensitive and far too vulnerable. She doesn’t really feel the difference between being alive and dead. That she would kick out men, trust herself, and live with women! She would concentrate on being famous and being adored! She doesn’t want to let go of Carmen because she would be all alone. If she could let go she wouldn’t care much about Carmen. Her idea of not being alone is having people around to adore her and admire her. She couldn’t imagine having higher scores. She said, “I don’t want to follow proposals!” She was touched when you asked why Carmen dreamt of her. Carmen always is very eager to please.

If this experience were a wake-up call from the most central part of who you are, what do you think it would be saying to you?

“Free Willie!” To just let her go and really acknowledge that there is no more work for me. Escape the curse of endless responsibility. It was very good for me to feel the difference. It shocked me how easily I could shift into that personality that was definitely not me.

Clearly, such an interview raises as many questions as it answers. Many times the interviewer and others listening are surprised at what a person takes away from the interview because it can be widely different from what was heard or from the significance for others.

Carmen felt that the interview allowed her to take a major step toward releasing her mother, to accepting her for who she was and was not, and to allow herself to move beyond feeling responsible for what she did and did not do, said and did not say to her mother while she was alive. To live our own lives we have must, at some point, evict the negative aspects of our parents that are still living rent-free in our heads. Integral Deep Listening is a powerful, effective way to do so.

Apr 27, 2010