Becoming Assertive

The following interview deals with life issues we can all relate to: money, family, and anger. The basic issue is, “How can I live my life without reacting to the pressures of others? How can I learn to respond instead of react so I don’t feel bad about my over-reaction?

What are three fundamental life issues that you are dealing with now in your life?

1. Continuous income

2. Inner peace with children – 11 yo son – lost it in the car

3. No stress with my parents and my sister

Which life issue brings up the strongest feelings for you?

The second one. I’m afraid of having these attacks that destroy my inner peace.

If those feelings had a color (or colors), what would it be?

Orange

Imagine that color filling the space in front of you so that it has depth, height, width, and aliveness.

Now watch that color swirl, congeal, and condense into a shape. Don’t make it take a shape, just watch it and say the first thing that you see or that comes to your mind: An animal? Object? Plant? What?

An arrow

Now remember how as a child you liked to pretend you were a teacher or a doctor? It’s easy and fun for you to imagine that you are the shape that took form from your color and answer some questions I ask, saying the first thing that comes to your mind. If you wait too long to answer, that’s not the character answering – that’s YOU trying to figure out the right thing to say!

(Character,) would you please tell me about yourself and what you are doing?

I can hurt. I am very fast. I am metal. I don’t have feathers. I don’t need them. I have a point. I’m trying to hurt someone – Catie. I try to pierce her where she doesn’t expect me. Her back. I love it when she’s anxious and she doesn’t feel comfortable. I want to surprise her in a bad way – in the back or when it’s dark…

What do you like most about yourself? What are your strengths?

No. Only negative strengths. I’m strong in my destructiveness.

What do you dislike most about yourself? Do you have weaknesses? What are they?

I only have bad qualities. My being is quite destructive. My doubt is a weakness – I might become slower and might not stay on course exactly…

Arrow, you are in this person’s life experience, correct? They created you, right?Arrow, what aspect of this person do you represent or most closely personify?

I personify Catie’s very depressive, hopeless, inflexible self that feels trapped and feels that it has no choices but to explode or attack, or lash out. The same feeling as she had when she exploded at her son.

When I am a wooden, flexible arrow I am her when she is clear and decisive.

(Character,) if you could be anywhere you wanted to be and take any form you desired, would you change? If so, how?

I could be a sporty, elegant arrow. I could be of another material. I should change a lot. I would like to have another future with more options. I would like to become a multifunctional arrow that could be used by kids with a nice bow. More elastic, made out of wood. Men can use me as a weapon as well but they should use me in a respectable way. Not from behind or in the dark. Children would learn from me how to use a weapon. I exist, and they should know me. I would tell them to use me in a very traditional way, like only shooting animals for food and to be more in contact with my purpose and target. They would know my power and what is an appropriate and inappropriate way to use me. I don’t feel hopeless. There are always alternatives. I don’t get depressed because I feel good with myself. I maintain my flexibility with olive oil.

(Continue, answering as the transformed object, if it chose to change.)

(Character), how would you score yourself 0-10, in each of the following six qualities: confidence, compassion, wisdom, acceptance, inner peace, and witnessing? Why?

Confidence: 10 Because I know I can help. I am used as a kind of therapy, to learn to concentrate. I have a meaning now.

Compassion: 7 I don’t think about it. If it’s required I can give it but I don’t put any energy into it.

Wisdom: 10 I’m so old and full of experience. It will be that way in the future.

Acceptance: 9 Of myself, I’m there, it’s OK. Of others, yes.

Inner Peace: 9 I feel good on the outside from the surface. I feel good about myself.

Witnessing: 9 I’m balanced inside so it’s easy for me to have a bit of distance from things. That balance is accepting me!

(Character,) if you scored tens in all six of these qualities, would you be different? If so, how?

I’m very close to myself. I’m just myself. I am so changed from before. I was dangerous, awful, and terrifying before. I would be a bit more compassionate with people and other arrows.

How would Catie’s life be different if she naturally scored high in all six of these qualities all the time?

She is on her way. She would continue in the direction she is taking. She would accept and do things for herself which don’t just have to do with duty and kids. A friend invited her for a skiing tip in February. She’s forty-three now. She has never had the idea of doing something like that. She should do things that she likes. She should think that SHE’S important. She has changed things with her illness but it has to do with duty. She has wanted to go to Cuba since she was fifteen. She has wanted to learn French! She would be happier. She will always be 90% duty! But she can be much more creative. Her writing is a fight rather than a pleasure.

If you could live Catie’s life for her, how would you live it differently?

I would have someone beside her to remind her, “Let things be!” To remind her of this feeling I have. I wouldn’t live in a heavy way. I’m a light arrow.

If you could live this person’s waking life for her today, would you handle her three life issues differently? If so, how?

1. Continuous income: She should accept the offers of others much more. She has pursued three different types of work. She needs to think about the people who offer her work. I would concentrate much more on this. I would focus much more. She would take the direct way. Then she wouldn’t be scattered. I don’t fly out of duty. She can have multiple arrows. She needs to let us go and trust that we will find her targets.

2. Inner peace with Children: When her son gets on her nerves she needs to tell him in one sentence, with eye contact. Have him repeat what she says. Clear and convincing. Then she will be heard and respected. She needs to think about me hitting the target. Then she will be more balanced even when others don’t react like she wants.

3. No stress with her parents and with her sister: as an arrow, I don’t have stress. I’m on my way. I would find out the points in her life where she can relax. She needs to stay on her own course. She would not spend so much time explaining to her parents and others. I would just stay on course. She does so much out of a sense of duty. I don’t do things out of a sense of duty.

In what life situations would it be most beneficial for Catie to imagine that she is you and act as you would?

When someone provokes her. Stress in herself. At those times she needs to keep on her way.

Arrow, Catie is so stuck in her waking perspective that she is likely to forget about you. Some people find it useful to put up pictures in their bathroom, car, or at work to remind them of when to become a character. Others give their worries to them. Others have their friends talk to the character when they get stuck. Some keep a record of when and how they are to be used and when they have used them. A few have even created “tarot decks” of self-aspects to remind them of when and how to use them. What do you think would work for Catie to keep you a real, living part of their daily life?

Keep pictures of me in your car and beneath pictures of your family members to remind you to become me when your children get on your nerves in the car or when you have to deal with your parents or sister.

Here are some of the recommendations:

1. Become your arrow when you want to stay focused, light, flexible, and balanced.

2. Become your arrow when you are getting overcommited.

3. Become your arrow when you want to handle conflict in a non-aggressive way, like with your son.

4. Recognize that the arrow doesn’t feel duty. You can stay on your life course and not feel conflicted by feelings of duty.

5. Know that anger is a weapon that you can use in appropriate or inappropriate ways.

6. Know that you can have multiple arrows and not get confused or overwhelmed.

7. Consider putting up pictures of arrows where you need to be reminded of it!

8. Trust your own inner sense of direction!

Dec 18, 2009