Learning Assertiveness From a Black Hole in Space

Black Hole

What would your inner compass advise you to do you had spent a lifetime feeling helpless, powerless, or out of control? If you were afraid of being overwhelmed and abused by others, what could it say to you that you could use? Might not it manifest as a defensive weapon that you could use to protect yourself? That is what Josefine discovered, when her anger turned into a black hole in space!

Here is what the Black Hole had to say: “I suck in energy, like a vacuum cleaner. My greatest strength is my power.  I can suck in every type of energy from Josefine, even good kinds and keep her feeling bad.  That means I have a lot of good energy to eat.  I’ve had a good meal.  I’m very beautiful.  The black, whirling, sucking in…Isn’t it beautiful?”

“I’m the young Josefine.  She didn’t feel so well as a girl; she felt very angry and helpless. I am very powerful; why would I want to change?”

“I score myself a ten on a scale of zero to ten in confidence because I get my needs met.  Nothing bothers me. I am not just a zero in compassion, I’m minus five hundred! Compassion is crappy bullshit! I don’t want to have it!  I don’t need it!  I’m perfect! I score myself an eight in wisdom and a ten in acceptance because I’ll eat anything and I’m something very special. I am a nine in inner peace and a ten in witnessing! I’m perfect!”

“Josefine would be more powerful if she scored like I do…She would be powerful in a way that other people wouldn’t even try to hurt her because she would have a sense about her that makes other people think twice before they would try to hurt her.   She wouldn’t feel guilty. If she were like me she would be able to kick the right ass at the right time with the right energy! She would not feel helpless; she would be calm in a way. These assholes wouldn’t be able to hurt her.  She would have a kind of armor where the bad things come and bounce off. She would have less tears and be more self-confident! She would do ass-kicking at the right time and let the minor stuff bounce off!”

How is it that you came out of Josefine’s feelings of powerlessness and helplessness but you are neither?

Black Hole: “Maybe she fed me enough?  Maybe I’m the opposite of helpless?  I’m powerful! She moved toward what she feared, her feelings of helplessness and became its opposite- powerful. Maybe we can work together.  She can give me the energy of ugly people and I’ll teach her to kick asses!”

How would her life be different if she had been doing that instead of feeding you her energy?

Black Hole: “I would be a lot larger and she wouldn’t have been hurt as much.  She would be calmer and more confident.  She would have more confidence. She would make the decision not to let people hurt her and to ask, ‘Do I want to let jerks get me angry or not?’  She can learn from me not to react to that sort of person or to react in the right sort of way….She can use me to help her make better decisions: Will I become angry or not?’

She is headed in the right direction with having fun. This dignity part will help her to find a good partnership, not to beg for anything or be needy.  It would be like saying, ‘Here I am.  We are on the same level.  Now let’s see.’”

“She needs to become me in big anger situations. At those times, let me suck in that energy!  She can then stay calm; that makes them crazy!  The little angers her tornado can take care of…I think I do drama a little bit.  I like to make angry people crazy.  It creates a lot of energy for me! Josefine needs me.  It’s not fun to be helpless.  She needs the support I can give her.”

“Sometimes it’s difficult for Josefine to remember, when she gets stuck in anger or helplessness to remember me.

What would you recommend that she do about that?

Black Hole: “She should have a Black Hole remembering card sitting next to the telephone, in her address book. She should have one running through her computer: ‘Remember the black hole!’”

Josefine: “The black hole wants to be fed by me with the energy of jerks.  I’ll get dignity, less helplessness, more calmness…Powerful in a calm way…The way I want to deal with other people.  Not helpless, not needy.  Upright, with dignity, with power.  I like this feeling!    I feel protected!”

“I am being told not to be three years old and feel helpless.  You are a grown-up and you have a choice.

At this point we asked for a “consultation” with a previously interviewed emerging potential, a tornado:

Tornado, what do you think about the black hole?

Tornado: He’s a little scary because he is so much bigger than I am!”

Black Hole:  “I don’t want to eat the tornado.  Jerk’s energy tastes much better!”

Life expresses itself in forms that address the needs of a particular individual at a specific time and situation, whether that agrees with our morality or sense of social appropriateness or not!  This Black Hole was not tens in all six qualities because such etherial perfection was not what Josephine needed to defend herself. It even said it was “minus five hundred” in compassion! Does this mean it is not healthy or “conducive to enlightenment”?  For most of her life, Josephine was made to feel bad and wrong if she did not do for her parents what they insisted she “should” or “ought” to do.  Until Josephine builds trust in herself she will experience giving to others as manipulative and superficial.

If you have been abused all your life, both by others and yourself, your inner compass is not going to present acceptance as a solution, because it will not work for you. If accepting abuse is what you were forced to do, to submit to injustice and unfairness, your inner compass will speak to you as a voice of power and self-assertion, because that is a pre-requisite for finding acceptance of others and yourself. Instead of forcing people to think that in order to be “spiritual” they must score tens in all six core qualities, IDL helps them to see low scores are sometimes both more honest and helpful.

A single IDL interview can change a lifelong association of helplessness with fear into something positive and constructive.  How would Josefine’s life have been different if she had this interview when she was ten?

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