Sacrificing a Bull Woman to Public Opinion

How do we get accepted in the world for who we are? The need to feel accepted by others can destroy our peace of mind and keep us from finding and following our own path.  The uniqueness of this beautiful woman is represented by her having the horns and hooves of a bull.  For most of her life her strength has not been acceptable to those around her.  She is now about seventy. How might her life have been different if she had listened to this Bull Woman years ago, when she had this dream?

What are three fundamental life issues that you are dealing with now in your life?

1. Living with meaning; I want meaning in everything I do!

2. I wish I could see my children and grandchildren more often.  They live in Sweden.

3. I want beauty around me!

Tell me a dream you remember.  It can be an old one, a repetitive dream, a nightmare, or one that you’re sure you understand.

I was walking in the evening with a beautiful sunset in a rural area and came upon a barn.  As I approached it I heard men’s voices inside.  It was as if they were struggling.  Then I also heard a booming bass voice.  I saw there was a little bit of light coming out of a slightly ajar door.  The noise increased.  I thought, “What is this?” The men’s voices were excited but garbled but also there was a moaning bass voice.  As I got to that open door I peeked in.  On a slaughtering table lay a bull woman: black, sleek, beautiful woman’s body with hooves and a bull head. The body was very much a woman’s body and the fur was sleek and shiny.  I heard her say, “Why am I not allowed to live?”  Then the door was slammed shut.

Why do you think that you had this dream?

I had this dream in 1970 when I was 38.  I cry when I think about this woman.  It’s so sad!  My mother and father were very prudish. They didn’t tell us anything about sex or menstruation.  They didn’t talk about it.  When I was about five I was told, “Don’t ever let a man talk to you!”  My mother told me a story about a young girl who was found cut up in the forest by a man in order to scare me so I wouldn’t talk to strangers.  When I was a little older I was carrying milk in a pail down a street and a man came up behind me and offered to help me carry the milk.  I yelled “No!” and ran and spilled the milk!  When I was ten my mother told me not to talk to boys.  A year or so later I was at a farm and a neighbor brought his cow to be inseminated by a bull.  I was fascinated!  This bull had this long thing that came out of him!  My mom came by and wouldn’t let me see it.  I couldn’t ask any questions about it.

If this dream were playing at a theater, what name would be on the marquee?

Killing the Bull Woman!

These are the characters in the dream, beside yourself…

Countryside, sunset, barn, men, slaughtering table, woman, door, light

If one character had something especially important to tell you, what would it be?

The Bull Woman!  She was very big!

Now remember how as a child you liked to pretend you were a teacher or a doctor?  It’s easy and fun for you to imagine that you are this or that character in your dream and answer some questions I ask, saying the first thing that comes to your mind.  If you wait too long to answer, that’s not the character answering – that’s YOU trying to figure out the right thing to say!

Bull Woman, would you please tell me about yourself and what you are doing?

I was just living and minding my business, enjoying my life.  I was eating grass in the beautiful countryside.  All of a sudden these men came and caught me and restrained me and put me up on this table.  They tied me up here so that  I can’t move!  I think they are a little afraid of me. I have thick skin and they’re sticking knives in me!

What do you like most about yourself? What are your strengths?

I’m beautiful!  I’m shiny and sleek!  Look at my shape!  I’m really strong!  My voice is real smooth.

What do you dislike most about yourself? Do you have weaknesses?  What are they?

Sometimes I feel that it’s not OK to be a woman with hooves and horns.  It’s confusing.  I’ve accepted them, but I think it’s confusing to other people.  I’m who I’m supposed to be.

Bull Woman, you are in Birgitta’s life experience, correct?  She created you, right?  Bull Woman, what aspect of Birgitta do you represent or most closely personify?

She’s very strong.  Some say she is attractive and beautiful.   She doesn’t give up so easily.  She wants to really be alive.

Bull Woman, if you could be anywhere you wanted to be and take any form you desired, would you change?  If so, how?

I really want to be who I am.  I like myself!  I’d like to be out eating that beautiful green grass outside the barn and find other bulls to be with.  A bull man!

(Continue, answering as the transformed object, if it chose to change.)

Bull Woman, how would you score yourself 0-10, in confidence, compassion, wisdom, acceptance, peace of mind, and witnessing?  Why?

Confidence: 10 Things are really balanced for me.

Compassion: 10 I feel sorry for those men because they thought I was a freak.

Wisdom: 10 If I’m allowed to be myself I am very wise.  It’s wise of me to have pity on those suckers that want to kill me!

Acceptance:   9 I don’t accept them wanting to kill me.

Inner Peace: 10

Witnessing: 10

How would Birgitta’s life be different if she naturally scored like you do in all six of these qualities all the time?

It’s pretty much that way now.   If she had done this interview when she had it (38) she would have made different choices in her life.  She wouldn’t have been affected so much by other people.

If you could live Birgitta’s life for her, how would you live it differently?

I wouldn’t have been as separated from my children for so many years.

If you could live Birgitta’s waking life for her today, would you handle her life issues differently?  If so, how?

1. If I could be around my children I would leave everything else the same.  I would grow wings so that I can fly there!  It’s fantastic!  That’s so wonderful!

2. Regarding beauty, she tries to make it beautiful around her and to accept the beauty that is around.

What life issues would you focus on if you were in charge of her life?

I like her life issues.  I don’t want to change them!

In what life situations would it be most beneficial for Birgitta to imagine that she is you and act as you would?

If she would just graze the grass a little more; be out in nature more…Not give in to the apathy and the feeling of impossibility.  Accept that you can’t have everything.

Character, do you do drama?  If not, why not?

Yes.  Not doing drama is kind of boring!

Why do you think that you are in Birgitta‘s life?

I came into her life to wake her up to her full potential.  She has given up on her strength.  She has more strength.  If she claimed her strength, instead of giving up on it, she could live her life with more meaning every day.  She would be happier!

What keeps her from living her life as you, bull woman?

She’s kind of beating her head against the wall.  She needs to relax!  She would feel more harmonious.

How is Birgitta’s most likely to ignore what you are saying to her?

She tries to control.  That’s not a good idea!

What would you recommend that she do about that?

Just check with me! Think about me!

I think Birgitta had this dream because…

So she will accept herself, her strength.  (Cries.) She is afraid that would scare others – her hooves and horns!  She is afraid she won’t be accepted!  But that wouldn’t stop me!

What part of Birgitta do you think these men represent, Bull woman?

They represent all the limits she has put on herself!  To fit in!  That’s not good for herself!

Comment: I really like the idea of Bull Woman sprouting wings and having no fetters, having no ropes!  I wonder why Birgitta couldn’t have called for help when she saw those men in the Barn?

She was out in the country! There was no one around to call!

How often would you fly across the ocean, Bull Woman?

Twice a year!

What have you heard yourself say?

Be more assertive!  Look for opportunities and face the consequences.

If this experience were a wake-up call from the most central part of who you are, what do you think it would be saying to you?

Don’t be afraid about the judgment of others about what you’re doing!

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