Common Toxic Scripts & Their Antidotes

Examples:

• “Don’t cry.”
• “Be strong.”
• “Stop whining.”
• “Big boys/girls don’t get upset.”

Why they’re destructive:

• Teaches emotional disconnection.
• Creates shame around core human feelings.
• Reduces capacity for empathy and self-regulation.
• Increases risk for addiction and repression-based coping.

Healthy antidotes:

• Normalize emotional expression (“Your feelings are okay with me”).
• Teach emotional vocabulary.
• Model calm emotional processing.
• Use IDL interviewing to explore feelings as perspectives rather than problems.

Examples:

• “You can do better.”
• “Don’t disappoint me.”
• “Nothing less than excellence.”
• “We expect the best in this family.”

Destructive impacts:

• Creates chronic anxiety and fear of failure.
• Reduces intrinsic motivation.
• Disconnects worth from identity and attaches it to performance.
• Breeds shame and self-criticism.

Antidotes:

• Praise effort, curiosity, and resilience over outcomes.
• Normalize mistakes as learning opportunities.
• Use IDL interviewing to change fear-based inner narratives.
• Encourage experimentation—not perfection.

Examples:

• “Do what you’re told.”
• “Because I said so.”
• “Don’t question authority.”
• “Good children obey.”

Destructive impacts:

• Suppresses autonomy and healthy boundaries.
• Increases vulnerability to manipulation and coercion.
• Weakens critical thinking and self-advocacy.
• Creates compliance-based identity rather than self-guided agency.

Antidotes:

• Teach collaborative problem-solving.
• Encourage respectful questioning and reasoning.
• Set boundaries with explanations, not power struggles.
• Practice IDL interviewing to reinforce inner authority and balance.

Examples:

• “You always mess up.”
• “Something’s wrong with you.”
• “Why can’t you be more like your sister/brother?”
• “You’re too sensitive.”

Destructive impacts:

• Internalized shame and damaged self-worth.
• Identity distortions and chronic guilt.
• Difficulty forming secure relationships.
• Higher risk of depression, addiction, and people-pleasing.

Antidotes:

• Reinforce worth separate from behavior.
• Encourage self-compassion and differentiation.
• Model unconditional positive regard.
• Use IDL interviewing to challenge internalized negative identities.

Examples:

• “You need me to handle this.”
• “Don’t be selfish.”
• “You’re responsible for my feelings.”
• “We take care of our own (even to our detriment).”

Destructive impacts:

• Blurs emotional boundaries.
• Creates guilt-based relationships.
• Teaches self-sacrifice over self-care.
• Reduces personal agency and independence.

Antidotes:

• Respect personal boundaries and autonomy.
• Model self-responsibility.
• Encourage age-appropriate independence.
• Use IDL interviewing to strengthen self-defined identity.

Examples:

• “Boys don’t cry.”
• “Girls must be polite.”
• “Real men don’t show weakness.”
• “Good women put others first.”

Destructive impacts:

• Limits full human potential.
• Instills stereotyping and rigidity.
• Inhibits emotional, social, and professional development.
• Reinforces unhealthy power dynamics.

Antidotes:

• Teach flexible, inclusive roles.
• Model equality and mutual respect.
• Highlight diverse strengths across genders and cultures.
• IDL interviewing to explore identities beyond cultural conditioning.

Examples:

• “You deserve a treat—avoid the problem.”
• “I need this to relax.”
• “We don’t talk about our issues.”
• “Numb it, distract, escape.”

Destructive impacts:

• Promotes dependency and avoidance.
• Blocks healthy problem-solving.
• Increases long-term stress and dysregulation.
• Weakens emotional resilience.

Antidotes:

• Normalize direct emotional engagement.
• Develop healthy stress-relief practices.
• Model transparency and problem-solving.
• Use IDL interviewing to shift addictive inner roles and perspectives.