Below you will find summaries and links to the following videos:
Assertiveness in Relationships, Thinking, Dreaming
Dealing With Non-Assertiveness
The relevance of assertiveness to Integral Deep Listening is as follows: First, an inability to be assertive means that you don’t get your needs met; Secondly, an inability to be assertive means that you don’t get the needs of others met; Third, it means that you get taken advantage of and controlled by others if you are passive and not assertive; Fourth, it means that you invite needless conflict and alienation if you attempt to control, abuse, or disrespect the perspectives of others; Fifth, all of this applies in the three realms: not simply in your relationships with others, but toward yourself, in how you treat your thoughts, feelings, intentions, and needs, and in your relationship with your dreams. Sixth, specifically in dreams, if you are passive in your dreams you do not ask questions and you will respond to dream situations in ways that validate your assumptions and perceptions; Seventh, if you are aggressive in your dreams, you are disrespecting the aspects of yourself that this or that dream character represents. Is that wise?
Sometimes, you will have a strong desire to do something that you are sure is assertive. For example, you may feel a strong desire to explain yourself to someone whom you are sure misunderstands or attacks you. The fact that you have a strong desire is a bright flashing red light that is screaming, “Danger! Drama!” You will tell yourself that you are being assertive by giving that person a piece of your mind, explaining yourself or telling them how screwed up they are, when you are just feeling victimized, and you are jumping into the role of the Persecutor, with the rationalization that you are “really helping” them. A more assertive approach is to resist the urge to explain and defend. Instead, repeat what they said and ask questions. This not only stalls for time while you cool down and collect your wits, it also gives you more information while allowing them a chance to hear a paraphrase of what they said. This often leads them to realize they were unclear or aggressive, leading them to defuse the potential confrontation themselves. We discuss a number of strategies to deal with non-assertiveness.