Learning From a Deceased Parent

Does Integral Deep Listening put you in touch with the deceased, with the part of yourself that they represent, or with both? In this case Maria moves into greater acceptance of her father, who is deceased, while also embracing and growing through getting to know the part of herself that he represents.  This is her deceased father’s gift to Maria – the healing of the woundings of old memories and awakening to the potential of a life of inner peace.

What are three fundamental life issues that you are dealing with now in your life?

I feel like a failure because I always thought my father was a failure.  I put that on him as a mirror. In what ways do I still think I’m a failure and how can I get out of that?

My weight!


Which issue brings up the strongest feelings for you?

The first

Michael, would you please tell me about yourself and what you are doing?

Now that I’m dead it’s very peaceful. I’m very fine. It feels good. I’m painting pictures! I am doing the things I wanted to do all my life and couldn’t because my wife wouldn’t allow me!  I’m smoking!

What do you like most about yourself? What are your strengths?

I like my freedom!  I feel free! I’m VERY relaxed. It is not necessary t have special strengths now. I don’t have to prove myself.

What do you dislike most about yourself? Do you have weaknesses?  What are they?

I miss my children. I liked them very much. I loved them. It doesn’t matter if one has strengths or weaknesses here.

Michael, what aspect of Barbara do you represent or most closely personify?

Inner peace!  When I was alive I felt like a failure, but now I don’t.  Now I see it was only in my mind. It wasn’t real.

Michael, if you could be anywhere you wanted to be and take any form you desired, would you change?  If so, how?

I am very comfortable here. I want to stay here but I want to have dialogues with my children.

What would you say to Maria?

I want to have fun with her! I want to show her how I love her because I couldn’t do it when I was living. I would tell her that I loved her all my life and now also! You are beautiful! She needs to have more fun! To be outside in nature, to spring around, to ride a bicycle, to have time for herself, to meet friends, play the drum and paint – all the things she wants!

What would you say to your son?

You are a man and you can be a man! Try! Try to stand for yourself! You are not the victim of your parents!

(Continue, answering as the transformed object, if it chose to change.)

Michael, how would you score yourself 0-10, in each of the following six qualities:  confidence, compassion, wisdom, acceptance, inner peace, and witnessing?  Why?

Confidence: 10! Nothing can happen to me!

Compassion: 10

Wisdom:   9

Acceptance:   9

Inner Peace: 10

Witnessing:   10

How would Maria’s life be different if she naturally scored like you do in all six of these qualities all the time?

She would have more inner peace. She would feel more certain, more relaxed.

If you could live Maria’s life for her, how would you live it differently?

There are so many things I wouldn’t take so seriously. She thinks so seriously! There would be more fun and more happiness and craziness!

If you could live Maria’s waking life for her today, would you handle Barbara’s three life issues differently?  If so, how?

I feel like a failure because I always thought my father was a failure.  I put that on him as a mirror. In what ways do I still thin I’m a failure and how can I get out of that?

I know it isn’t the truth but I know that she thinks it is. Just say to herself, “You’re not a failure! It’s just something in your mind! It’s not the truth!” The recognition of this was the most important thing.

My weight!

I think it’s really important to eat what you like.


I think she is very afraid of many things but those fears have nothing to do with health. She should care for herself. She is filling her calendar with dates and making her life crazy! It is too much stress! She is afraid she won’t have enough money. I wouldn’t care about it. I wouldn’t make so many dates.

What three life issues would you focus on if you were in charge of Maria’s life?

1. To feel comfortable! To have fun!

2. To live in harmony with others and have many good friends around!

3. I have no fear – If she felt like me she would be much more comfortable. I AM. I know very well what it means just to BE! Sometimes in moments she catches a glimpse of this…

In what life situations would it be most beneficial for Maria to imagine that she is you and act as you would?

Always! Especially when she is so busy! Then she can leave the business for a minute. She has the possibility to decide what to do. It’s not just blind doing. The possibility to witness, to go out of the Drama Triangle.

Michael, do you do drama?  If not, why not?

No! I am so safe and comfortable! Why should I?

What is your secret for staying out of drama?

Inner knowing that I am in the right place; to accept it all.

Why do you think that you are in Maria’s life?

I am changing her whole picture of me in her mind.  Her mental picture wasn’t real. It has nothing to do with me now. I am different now.  When you no longer say, “That’s good,” That’s bad,” There is no failure.

How is Maria most likely to ignore what you are saying to her?

I don’t think that she wants to. It feels good to her to think and feel like I do.  She could get busy…

What would you recommend that she do about that?

Remember to become me when she gets busy!

Maria, what have you heard yourself say?

Michael now represents my inner peace! He has a great deal of it and stands for many of my inner strengths. He says that I can tell myself, “I’m not a failure,” and it will go. He has no problem with my weight because it’s important to eat what we want. My health concerns have to do with my fears. I make myself too stressed by overworking, by setting too many appointments. That is not good for my health.  It would be good for me to become him when I get too busy. Then I can decide whether to continue or to let it be.

If this experience were a wake-up call from the most central part of yourself, what do you think it would be saying to you?

Welcome home!

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