How much depression is caused by unconscious scripting you received as a child? How much is a genetic predestination toward depression triggered by such predispositions? If you were able to change that scripting, first by making it conscious, then by giving yourself permission to change it, and by then remembering to choose your new identity over your old one, would you want to? Would you be able to? As you read the following interview, by a lady who has struggled with low energy and depression for years, apply what you hear to yourself and your life!
What are three fundamental life issues that you are dealing with now in your life?
1 Depression: Low energy; difficulty making it up the stairs. Since they come and go there must be something I need to look at from my past. Lat week during yoga there was a meditation and I saw the image of myself on a horse that was dead. No one saw that it was dead. No one saw it was dead. It was moving to pretend it was still alive, but it was clearly dead. This is how I see myself: Christina doing her job, treating her patients, earning a living, but somehow she’s just functioning. There’s no life there. Lightness: Not feeling like carrying a burden all the time: to feel joy in life. Everything seems difficult.
2 Job: Is this my path to continue with this job?
3 Partnership: Only limited men are interested in me. I would like to find a healthy partner! Is there something wrong with me that I’m not attracting healthy men?
Which issue brings up the strongest feelings for you?
Job? Maybe that’s why I am depressed! Another image I’ve been having for years : I experience myself as a kind of Thor Heyerdhal that is sitting on his raft alone. I have crossed the Atlantic ocean. I keep rowing. When I see the land a storm comes and pushes me back out and I have to keep rowing. On a good day in my life I would be on the ocean and the seas are calm. On bad days I feel the water is overwhelming me.
Ocean, are you trying to keep Christina away from the land or is it the wind, or is it both of you? would you please tell me about yourself and what you are doing?
It’s not me. I am what I am.
Storms, are you keeping Christina away?
Yes
How come?
It’s fun! I just like blowing!
But it seems that you’re mostly blowing when she gets close to land. Is that right? If so, why?
I do like blowing when she’s getting close to the land! She doesn’t get what she wants! It means she’s weak and I’m powerful!
What would it mean if she got what she wanted and got to land, Storm?
She would just lie down in the sand and she wouldn’t be doing anything anymore!
Why?
Because she’s lazy!
(This lady participated in a workshop the day before in which a tired old bear turned into a high-scoring wild horse. We decided to bring it into the interview, since it personifies her potentials.)
Wild Horse, have you heard what they storm had to say?
Yes.
Do you agree or disagree?
No! It’s stupid what the wind says! It would be far too boring for her to lie down in the sand and do nothing!
But the storm is a part of her too. It knows her. Why would it think that she is so lazy?
The wind doesn’t know Christina.
Wind, aren’t you a part of Christina?
Yes!
Then how come do you seem not to know Christina the way the Wild Horse does?
I’m not interested in her.
What are you interested in?
I just want to blow whenever I want!
If you were Christina, how would you deal with the ocean and when winds come up?
I wouldn’t row like mad. I would just let myself be taken somewhere else! I might believe that maybe this isn’t supposed to be my destination. Maybe I can land somewhere else.
Then what would happen, wind?
It would be unknown land or an unknown island.
Would that be OK with you Wind?
Yes. Actually, that’s where I want to take her! I want to take her to an unknown area. She wants to go to a known area.
Horse, how do you feel about her not rowing and going where the wind will take her and ending up on an unknown land?
Actually, I think that idea is great! I’m enthusiastic about it!
Wind, where do you end up taking Christina? Where do you blow her to?
She comes to an unknown island that nobody knows.
Wind, what does Christina do once she gets there? Is she lazy for years? Does she find a Margarita stand?
She’s afraid, first of all. She’s excited! She looks around! There’s lots going on. There is everything she needs. There are no people to be seen but there’s plenty of food and everything you need…
Wind, what would you do if you were Christina?
I would create new life for myself on this island if I were Christina! There are so many things that you can do on this island and it’s a lot of fun to be here!
Wild horse, if you were Christina and you were on this island, what would you do?
I would go and look for other horses and when I find them I would join them! I would be pleased with all the new grass. You know, it tastes a little different but it tastes great! There’s no one to capture us, either! No riding schools! We are just allowed to be horses here! We can do everything we want to do!
Horse, if you could live Christina’s everyday life as if you were on your island eating your grass with your friend horses, what would her life be like?
If I were in charge things would be more relaxed, there would be an experience of space and not so much pressure.
How about loneliness, horse? Are you alone on the island in Christina’s present life circumstances? Do you think that Christina should live her life as if she is you on your island with your horse friends and new grass or not?
No. I don’t think she can do that. She doesn’t have her community like I do.
You are a part of her, right horse?
Yes.
You have your community, right horse?
Yes.
Then you are a part of her that has found its community, right horse?
Yes.
But that’s not a REAL community. That’s not a real human community. that’s just an imaginary horse community, right?
No. My community is very real to me!
What keeps Christina from believing that she is you and living her life like you do?
She believes she is not capable of living that way.
What do you think of that, horse?
Yes, somehow she is too strange. The other horses can’t understand her. She looks different from the other horses.
Other horses, do you think Christina is strange? Do you not understand her?
She has a different color. She moves differently when she cantors. But it doesn’t mean we don’t understand her.
Does her different color and movement mean you can’t be friends with her?
Why not? It would be exciting to find out how she will be in our group.
It sounds like it’s only her big fantasy that you are going to reject her, horses…
Yes. For us, everything is fine!
How do you feel that she projects onto you that you will reject her, horses?
It’s not our problem! It’s her that goes away! We don’t reject her!
Why would she do that, horses?
She simply thinks those kinds of thoughts.
Horses, do you think those types of thoughts?
No!
How do you keep from thinking such thoughts?
We’re happy the way we are!
If Christina thought the way you do, horses, would her life be different, and if so, how?
Yes! She would be able to integrate herself in the herd of horses and have fun with the others and she could run along!
Wild horses, you probably know Christina pretty well. Why do you think she feels she doesn’t deserve your company and that you will find her different when you won’t?
She had a donkey mom. That’s why she feels she doesn’t belong.
What do you think about that wild horses?
She believes she is a donkey because her mother told her she was, but she’s clearly a wild horse.
Wild horses, if that had happened to you and you were Christina, what would you do about that?
I would ask the other wild horses what they think I am!
Wild horses, what do you think Christina is? Is she a wild horse or a donkey?
It’s pretty clear she’s a wild horse that thinks she’s a donkey! She behaves like a donkey, that’s for sure! It makes us laugh! But it’s also hard work to act like a donkey when you’re not.
Should she spend her life living up to her mother’s expectations by acting like she’s a donkey, or should she become a wild horse?
She should finally accept that she is a wild horse and come along with us!
And if she does that, what do you think her life will be like?
There would be joy in her life and no more burdening!
But she doesn’t deserve that, does she, wild horses? She thinks she’s really a donkey.
She has our permission now to be a wild horse!
So what? You’re just imaginary horses that she made up.
Our permission will support her to experience herself as a horse among horses!
What effect, if any, will that have on her depression?
She will have energy. It will change completely. Donkeys slowly move forward with a hell of a lot of luggage on their backs but horses are lively and jump about!
And what effect would it have on her ability to find a partner, horses?
If she allows herself to become a horse and joins us she won’t attract donkeys, but horses! But as long as she thought she was a donkey she was attracting other donkeys!
And what effect would it have on her ability to do her work?
It would feel much more like having landed on the island. Definitely off the raft!
What if Christina were to choose every morning, to see herself as you, a wild horse on an island with other wild horses instead of paddling nowhere on the ocean, and that if anyone (including her own thoughts) told her she was a donkey, that she wouldn’t accept it?
There would definitely be more lightheartedness if she did that every morning.
And every night before sleep too, so that she’ll dream about being a wild horse instead of about being a donkey?
She’ll have different dreams if she does that! Where now she dreams always of trains that she doesn’t catch! (My dreams all have the title,“Unsuccessful Efforts! I can’t find my car or my keys or I have no clothes on!)
What do you think about all that, wild horses?
Humans do that – lots of action and little results! But we don’t dream of that nonsense – we dream of juicy pastures!
Obviously, Christina is going to forget about all this because she’s really a donkey, right, Wild Horses?
Perhaps.
What do you think about that, Wild Horses?
Definitely put up a couple of horse pictures, a wild horse screen saver. Write out something to read before sleep: Am I going to be a donkey or a wild horse? Very important!
And if she were to take it on like a new job, like a discipline, and do it regularly, what would you expect the result to be, Wild Horses?
She will have energy and be powerful! That is our promise! She will be able to tell the difference! It is clear that she is the donkey when she is low in energy.
Wild Horses, do you think that Christina has listened to you today?
Yes!
Let’s ask her and see if she’s done a good job of listening or not!
How I’ve been convinced for so long that I’m a donkey. It’s no bloody wonder that everyone puts more and more burdens on me because donkeys are supposed to carry burdens. It’s no wonder how I felt! How can I jump and enjoy my life when I’m a donkey and carry all those loads?
Does that mean you are selfish if you stop being a donkey and stop carrying all those loads any more?
It might mean that other people have to shoulder their own loads. They might get angry.
Wild Horses, how do you deal with anger?
We wouldn’t care! They can kiss our ass! Donkey times are over! You have to carry your own shit!
What else have you heard yourself say?
The power and energy and joy, and beingness of a horse is available to me. I AM that! I somehow ended up in the wrong role. It’s like the story of the ugly duckling that was really a swan.
Donkey, you’ve been an important part of Christina’s life, haven’t you?
Yes.
How do you feel about what you have heard today, donkey? Do you feel rejected? Unappreciated?
I feel rather ignorant. I feel stupid!
Why?
I feel stupid because I believe that I have to continue to carry all these loads.
Wild horses, do you think this donkey has to continue to carry all these loads?
No. He can live differently too. There are wild donkeys.
Would it be OK if he grazed on your island, perhaps found other wild donkeys and perhaps even grazed with you?
We don’t mind him coming along with us! Without all these burdens he will also be able to move much faster!
Donkey, what do you think about what the Wild Horses just said?
It’s good! I like it! I would like to accept to put down my burdens. I believe that one day I can find other wild donkeys and have my own wild donkey family!
Christina, what did you hear Wild Donkey say?
That he can give himself permission to put down his loads. He has done enough. He has his working life behind him. He can enter the island of happy donkeys.
Notice that as long as Christina continues to think that she is a donkey she will attract other donkeys, insuring unhappiness in her love relationships. She is much more likely to be lonely.
Notice that Christina isn’t basically suffering from bad genes, neurotransmitter imbalances, yin/yang imbalances, karma from a past life, not meditating enough, or belonging to the wrong religion. She basically has bought into an incorrect and inauthentic definition of herself that she inherited from her mother. Her mother probably got it from HER mother! How much of your unhappiness and suffering is based on an inaccurate sense of who you are? How would you and your life be different if it became accurate?
